This World is Not My Home
by bayloriffic
Summary: Sometimes it seems like this island is all she’s ever known. Juliet/Sawyer; sequel to "Baby, We'll Be Fine"


**Title**: This World is Not My Home  
**Pairing**: Juliet/Sawyer  
**Rating**: PG  
**Words:** 3,970  
**A/N:** This is vaguely a sequel to "Baby, We'll be Fine" and takes place a few months after that. You don't have to read that story for this to make sense, but it wouldn't hurt.

**

On the day that Sawyer gets promoted to Head of Security, Juliet breaks her hand. She's laying on a mechanic's creeper, working under one of the Volkswagen vans, when she accidentally rolls into one of her collapsible work tables. A tire iron falls and she reaches out to catch it; she misses and it hits her left hand, right by the pinkie finger. A jolt of pain shoots up her arm as she yells, "Son of a bitch!"

Dave, one of the other mechanics, comes running over and crouches down to check on her. "Everything okay, Juliet?"

Pushing herself out from under the van, she looks up at him through her ridiculous goggles and grits out, "Yeah, Dave, fine. Although," she takes a deep breath, "I think I may have broken my hand." Her voice shakes a little on the last word, and she wills herself not to start crying, but, damn, it hurts.

"Geez, Juliet. Here," he reaches down for her other hand, "let's get you to the infirmary." He's really gentle when he helps her up, and tells her to keep her left arm as still as possible. And that's when she starts to cry in earnest.

**

Juliet sits in the tiny Dharma infirmary and waits for the doctor to come in with her x-rays. She looks around the room at all the medical equipment, things she spent years learning the names of, but of which now she's supposed to be completely ignorant, and she thinks about how sometimes it's hard for her to remember what it was like back then, in Miami, in med school. Sometimes it seems like this island is all she's ever known.

When the doctor walks in, he's old and sweet and treats Juliet like she's just another mechanic, no knowledge of medicine or the fact that she knows she probably has a simple fracture in the 5th metacarpal of her left hand.

He confirms her self-diagnosis and wraps her hand in a cast, joking with her about getting everyone in Dharma to sign it, and he sends her on her way with a bottle of painkillers.

She pops two in her mouth on her way home, braces herself for the deluge of questions James is bound to hit her with when he sees the cast.

**

When she walks through the door, James is sitting on the couch reading a book and she can smell something cooking in the kitchen. He looks up at her and smiles, the light catching on his glasses, but then he notices the cast on her hand and his face falls. He drops the book on the couch next to him and jumps to his feet. "Jesus, Jules, what happened? You okay?"

She nods her head and gives him a sheepish smile. "Nothing. Just clumsiness. I'm fine," she says, but her eyes are red and her voice is scratchy from crying.

He walks over to her and puts an arm around her back, holds her to him, careful not to jar her injured hand. Juliet starts sobbing and Sawyer has no idea what's going on, so he just rubs her back and whispers in her ear, saying nothing really, just _it's okay _and _it'll be alright _and presses a kiss against the top of her head, completely confused.

It takes a few minutes for her to calm down, but finally she does. Takes a shaky breath and pushes away from him a little. She runs her hand over his shirt, damp from her tears and says, "Sorry."

Sawyer just reaches up and brushes her hair out of her face. "You ain't got nothin' to be sorry for." She laughs a little when he says this, brings her uninjured hand up and presses her fingers against her mouth. Sawyer looks at her like she's gone crazy. "You gonna tell me what's wrong?"

Juliet looks at the ground. "I broke my hand," she says evasively.

"Well, no kiddin', Captain Obvious," he teases. But Juliet doesn't smile, just keeps her eyes trained on the scratched wood of their Dharma-house floor.

"Hey," he puts his hand under her chin and gently nudges her head up so that she's looking at him, "what's wrong?"

Juliet smiles at him, tries her best to look happy and normal and not like she's about to start crying again. "Nothing. Really. I'm fine." Takes a breath and tries to sound cheerful. "What's for dinner?"

**

Dinner, it turns out, is spaghetti. Pasta is pretty much the only thing James can make without burning down the kitchen, so the spaghetti's not really a surprise, but, still, Juliet appreciates the effort.

She feels kind of bad about earlier, about sobbing like a maniac when he just asked what was wrong, but she doesn't want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, it's all Sawyer wants to talk about. She's described exactly what happened twice now. And, as it wasn't a complicated situation—knocked over table, tire iron fell on hand—that only takes about five minutes. Juliet knows he's just trying to be supportive and to fix whatever is wrong, but she's getting pretty annoyed at this point.

"Listen, James. It's nothing. It hurt, it will heal. I'm fine. I promise. Can we just drop it?" she says, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice. She must not succeed because Sawyer's eyes narrow and she can tell he's pissed, so she reaches out and puts her hand on his knee. "I'm sorry. It was just…it was a long day."

He looks like he's going to start up again, but thankfully there's a knock at the door. Sawyer gets up quickly, strides over to the door and wrenches it open to find Horace standing there.

"Hi, Jim." He looks around Sawyer and sees Juliet sitting in the dining room, their half-eaten dinner on the table. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I can come back later if you want?"

"Nah, come on in, boss." Sawyer opens the door wider and gestures Horace inside. "What can we help you with?"

Horace looks over at Juliet. "Oh, I just wanted to check on Juliet. I just ran into Dave, and he told me what happened over at the motor pool."

"Thank you, Horace. I'm fine," Juliet says kindly. "Just a silly accident."

"Well," he says, clapping a hand on Sawyer's shoulder, "at least you've got Jim's promotion to cheer you up." Juliet whips her head around to look at James, but he's studiously avoiding her gaze. Horace continues, oblivious to her confusion. "I think Phil's a little upset, but Jim's definitely the right man for the job." He looks over at Juliet. "You must be proud."

And even though Juliet has no idea what he's talking about, she smiles brightly. "Of course."

Sawyer still doesn't say anything and the three of them stand there awkwardly for a few seconds.

Looking from Juliet to Sawyer, Horace clears his throat and claps his hands together once. "Okay, then. I'll let you guys finish your dinner." He moves towards the door before he stops and turns back to Juliet. "Oh, and Juliet, you should take a couple days off. And, when you're ready to come back, if you're not able to work at the motor pool with your hand, just stop by and see Amy. I'm sure she'll be able to find something to keep you busy for the next few weeks."

Juliet smiles and nods at him. "Thanks, Horace. I'll do that."

Horace leaves and Sawyer closes the door behind him. He starts walking back to the table, still refusing to look at her.

"What was he talking about, James?" Juliet feels dazed; she's not used to being out of the loop like this. "What promotion did you get?"

"Head of Security. Just got the big news today."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Juliet sounds hurt and she doesn't know when she stopped being able to hide what she felt around him, but it's just one more thing that she's going to have to get used to, she guesses.

"I was going to, but…," he trails off and shrugs, still looking away from her. "Tomorrow's my first day."

And Juliet thinks she needs to say something to him about how happy she is for him, that he's really doing well here, but the truth is, that's part of why she's so upset. Because everyone's so nice here on the island and James is so happy, and that kind of makes her want to kill herself. But she thinks saying that might not be the best reaction to finding out about his promotion, so instead she just walks up to him, puts her arms around his neck and kisses him softly.

When she breaks away from him, she says quietly, "I'm sorry I'm such a mess tonight." Smiles at him, "And I am proud of you."

**

Later that night, they're laying in bed and Sawyer is running his hand gently up and down her arm. He hasn't asked her about her hand or anything else since Horace left, and for that Juliet's grateful, but now he leans his head down and says softly, "Please tell me what's wrong."

She closes her eyes and a tear runs down her cheek, lands on Sawyer's chest. "Juliet," he whispers, "please."

Juliet knows she's been acting insane tonight, and that he's worried, but she doesn't quite know what to say to him. The truth is, sometimes, when they're in bed like this, she can pretend that her life is normal. That she's in a house she chose to live in, doing a job she wants to do, in love with someone who won't always kind of wish she was someone else, someone he'll probably never see again.

Some nights she can pretend this; but not tonight. Tonight all she can think about is how she's never going to be able to leave here and how she knows that, one day, this is all going to fall apart. But Juliet knows that she can't say this to him because he won't understand that she's not blaming him or accusing him of anything, but she has to say something, so she just keeps her eyes closed and whispers, "I hate it here."

Sawyer's hand stops moving and she can feel his body tense. "What?" he says, his voice low and serious.

Juliet holds back a sob. "I hate it here. I hate being on this island." And she knows this isn't coming out right, that this is probably the worst thing she could be saying right now, but it's been a long day and she just wants to go to sleep, not talk about things she'll never have, people she'll never be.

He moves away from her, lays so his back is to her, and says in a cold voice, "Well, no one's forcing you to stay. There's a sub takin' off for the mainland in three weeks. Just talk to Horace, I'm sure he'll be happy to give you a spot."

"James," she whispers, "don't."

"Don't what, Jules?" he snaps. "You're the one who don't want to be here. You want to leave? Leave. I ain't stoppin' you."

She starts crying then, and Sawyer just grabs his pillow and walks out to the living room, sleeps on the couch.

**

The next morning, Juliet wakes up late; the sun is streaming into the bedroom and the clock by the bed says it's after ten. When she walks out into the living room, her feet cold on the hard wooden floors of their house, James is already gone. A yellow blanket is sitting on the middle cushion of their ugly 70s couch, folded neatly with his pillow resting on top.

She picks up the blanket with a sigh, puts it in the linen closet and then brings his pillow back to their bed, tossing it up next to hers, where it belongs.

Juliet spends most of the day reading and cleaning, although the latter is a bit difficult with only one functioning hand. Still, she gets the bathroom clean, and washes most of the clothes, so that's something. Although, she realizes, James is going to have to do all the folding. Maybe she'll lead with that when he gets home.

**

When he doesn't come home at four o'clock like he normally does, Juliet tells herself it's because it's his first day in his new job. He probably has extra responsibilities now and has to stay late to do whatever it is that the Head of Security for a hippie commune on a mystery island has to do.

An hour later, he's still not home and she tries to convince herself that he's probably just hanging out with Horace, having a few beers. She sits on the porch steps, and tells herself she's not waiting for him, just out enjoying the early summer sunset and the island's oppressive heat. But, ten minutes later, Horace and Phil walk by, and she finally has to admit that he's not home because he's avoiding her.

So she calls out to them as they pass, "Hey, have you guys seen James?"

Horace looks over, surprised, and answers, "Yeah, he said he was going down to the dock. The sub got in today and he was going down there to help them unload it."

_Wonderful, _Juliet thinks, _it's always a good sign when your boyfriend would rather do manual labor than come home to you_. But she just smiles at Horace, says, "Thanks," and pushes herself up with her good hand, walks in the direction of the bay.

**

She finds him sitting out on the dock. His jumpsuit is unzipped to the waist, revealing a gray T-shirt underneath, and his pants are rolled up to the knee, his feet in the water. There's no one else around and the sub looks unloaded, some Dharma-marked boxes stacked a few feet away from him. He looks up when she walks over, but doesn't say anything.

"Mind if I sit?" Taking his half-shrug as an invitation, Juliet kicks off her shoes and clumsily rolls up the legs of her jeans—everything is so much harder with a broken hand—and sits next to him, lightly dropping her feet in the warm water.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before James looks over at her and nods at her injured hand resting in her lap. "How's the hand?"

"It's fine. It's been throbbing a little, but not too bad. They gave me some painkillers at the infirmary, so that's helping." He just nods his head at that and, damn, she was not expecting it to be this awkward. "I tried to get some stuff done around the house, but it's hard with only one hand. There's about three loads of laundry waiting to be folded at home." Holding up her hand, she finishes lamely, "You're going to have to do that." When she looks over at him, James is just staring at the water, no indication that he's even listening to her.

Juliet knows that, after what happened the night before, if she wants to talk about this, then she's going to have to be the one to initiate it, so she just says, "I'm sorry," adding unnecessarily, "about last night."

Sawyer continues to stare down at the water, kicking his feet a little and he's getting dangerously close to splashing water all over her. "Like I said last night, there's nothin' to be sorry for. You want to leave, I ain't gonna stop you."

"James, stop acting like a child," she sighs, rubbing her forehead wearily. She hates that everything here is always so difficult and that he insists being such an asshole sometimes.

"I'm actin' like a child?" he scoffs. "You're the one who keeps cryin' all the damn time."

Juliet knows he's just trying to make her mad at him so they don't have to have an actual conversation about what's wrong and she's on the verge of saying something she'll regret, something about how she might just talk to Horace about a ride off this fucking island since James keeps insisting it doesn't matter to him if she leaves.

But then he says, "Why the hell did you even come down here, Juliet?" And he sounds incredibly tired and sad and that makes Juliet feel even worse. She figures she might want to cut him some slack. After all, he did try to talk to her last night and she just shut him down.

So, ignoring his question, Juliet just tries to fix whatever damage she's managed to do since yesterday, tries to explain what's actually wrong.

"I didn't mean what I said last night. Or," she corrects herself, "I didn't mean it how it sounded."

Sawyer opens his mouth to interrupt her, but she cuts him off. "Just let me finish, James."

By some miracle, he doesn't argue, just shuts his mouth and makes a sweeping gesture with his hand, motioning for her to continue.

"It's just…I have wanted to get off of this island for four years." She shakes her head as she says this, almost can't believe that she's really been here that long.

"When I first came here, it was different and exciting and I thought I could make a difference and fix whatever it was that was going wrong." Taking a breath, she adds, "And then I couldn't leave and women kept dying and my sister was far away and my life wasn't mine anymore."

"I tried to be happy here. I did. There was a man—Goodwin—and we were together, and he made being here somewhat bearable. And then he died." Her voice breaks a little as she says this, but she refuses to let herself break down, just blinks the tears out of her eyes. She feels like she's cried more in the last 24 hours than she has in the past four years.

"And I think I almost loved him, but I would have left him in a heartbeat if it meant a chance to get home, to get off of this fucking island. When he died, it was…I almost felt relieved, you know?" Juliet's never admitted this out loud, feels like a horrible person, but James doesn't look at her like she's a monster, and, the truth is, he's done much worse. So has she. But, still, she feels like she should explain a little more. "Not that I wanted anything to happen to him, but at least then I could really admit how much I hated it here."

She takes a breath to steady herself for what she's about to say, about to admit. It helps somewhat that James still isn't looking at her.

"And now I'm here with you, and I love you," (this is the first time she's said it out loud and he snaps his head up to look at her but she rushes forward before he can respond), "and I can leave the island pretty much whenever I want." She laughs a little at the absurdity of this, that after all the years of being trapped, she's now free to go. "Just hop on the sub and go back. But I don't. And not just because it's 1975; I don't because I like being with you. And I know I'll never leave here if you're here. No matter what year we're in. And that makes me hate it more sometimes."

Juliet knows that wasn't the most coherent thing she's ever said, but she just looks out at the horizon, at the endless blue of the water, and hopes he understands.

Sawyer doesn't respond right away, just scoots over a little so that they're sitting with their sides pressed against each other. They just sit like that for a few minutes, before he gives her knee a little bump with his own and says, "Well, I'm glad you're here, still."

Juliet feels like she might start crying again, but instead she just leans over, puts her good hand on the side of his face and kisses him. When they break apart she says, "Thank you. And," she brushes his hair out of his face and looks him in the eye, "I do love you."

A slow smile starts to spread across Sawyer's face, and he doesn't say anything, just grins at her, so she slaps him lightly on the chest and laughs. "Shut up."

He grabs her hand before she can pull it away, and leans over to kiss her again and whispers against her lips, "I love you too, Jules." And she knows that maybe she shouldn't trust him, that he's a con man and has probably said that to countless other women, but the thing is, she does believe him. She's not sure why, really, just knows that she does.

They just sit there for a few minutes, staring at each other dopily until Juliet rolls her eyes and looks in direction of the jungle. "We should probably head back. You know how Horace feels about people wandering through the jungle at night."

But Sawyer doesn't make a move to leave, just leans over and starts pressing soft kisses against the side of her neck. She knows what he's trying to do, and she pulls away a little even as she fights a smile. "Come on, James, let's go."

"What's your hurry, Sunshine? Thought we could stay out here for a while. Enjoy the sunset." Attempting to sound seductive, he adds, "Maybe have sex here on the dock."

She can't help the laughter that bubbles out of her; only he would think that sounded somehow romantic. "You're joking! It's a thousand degrees out here and this dock is dirty and splintery and Horace could come strolling out of the jungle at any second to make sure we're not disrupting his perfect commune happiness with our little domestic dispute." Still laughing a little, she shakes her head. "No way."

"But I thought you loved me!" he says in mock indignation and she can see this is going to be his new line of defense whenever she doesn't give in to him.

"I do. But that doesn't mean we should have sex everywhere on the island," she says in her most patient voice. She's not going to let him charm her into having sex on this uncomfortable dock when they have a real bed with clean sheets less than a mile from here. She's not.

"Well, Blondie, that's actually exactly what I thought it meant." He smiles at her, all dimples and crinkled blue eyes, and she knows they're probably going to end up naked on this dock at some point in the near future. But not tonight, with her broken hand and the ridiculous heat and the very real possibility that Horace is going to come out here to make sure the sub was unloaded okay.

So she just kisses him as chastely as possible, and whispers, "Just take me home, James."

He shakes his head, says, "Fine, Sunshine, but you're gonna regret this decision."

"Oh, no doubt. But come on, let's go." She pulls her feet out of the water, and James follows suit.

They walk down the dock together and Juliet knows that is going to fall apart one day, that it's going to end badly for both of them. Either because Locke comes back to save them or because he doesn't. But, she thinks as she looks over at James, they are here now and she's happy and so is he. And that's probably the best she's going to get.

So she takes James's hand as they walk home and she quietly hopes that when it does all crash down around them, she doesn't get completely destroyed.

*****

end


End file.
